Ryan’s NFL Picks (2019): Week Nine

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You smell that? That smell? That smelly smell that smells… smelly? That was ya boi, Ryan, absolutely shredding his picks last week. The only pick he got wrong? The Chicago Bears couldn’t beat the Los Angeles Chargers… which Ryan isn’t even complaining about, because it means better draft position for his Raiders. Let’s see if he can make lightning strike twice.

Last Week’s Record: 14-1
Overall Record: 78-37
LOCK Record: 5-3

Ryan’s NFL Picks (2019): Week Nine

San Francisco 49ers @ Arizona Cardinals: San Francisco 49ers

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I still don’t buy the 49ers, but they’re not going to lose to a team like the Cardinals. In fact, it’s teams like the Arizona Cardinals that the 49ers have beaten that have helped them to be the last undefeated team standing after this week.

Wait… Did I just…

Houston Texans @ Jacksonville Jaguars: Houston Texans

The Houston Texans aren’t as good as everyone makes them out to be. They’ve won most of their games by the skin of their teeth, and they just lost J.J. Watt for the rest of the season. However… Deshaun Watson? He’s unreal. And the Texans offense is making stuff happen. Meanwhile, it’s not like Jacksonville has actually… ya know… beaten a good team.

Chicago Bears @ Philadelphia Eagles: Philadelphia Eagles

Abandon ship. If you’re banking on Mitch Trubisky to win games for your team, then you better keep on dreaming. The only hope the Bears have is that Khalil Mack wins this game singlehandedly… which he can’t seem to do.

Indianapolis Colts @ Pittsburgh Steelers: Indianapolis Colts

Imagine going back in time to the moment where Andrew Luck announced his sudden retirement and thinking that the Colts would still be a significantly better team than the Pittsburgh Steelers. Absolutely wild.

New York Jets @ Miami Dolphins: New York Jets

Gross. Someone’s actually going to pay money to attend this game. Poor sap. I was tempted to pick the Dolphins, but then I came to my senses.

Minnesota Vikings @ Kansas City Chiefs: Minnesota Vikings (LOCK OF THE WEEK)

Another week without Patrick Mahomes, and the Chiefs have to take on yet another NFC North team in yet another Super Bowl rematch. The Chiefs defense has played better since Mahomes went down, but make no mistake, they’re still bad, the Vikings have enough firepower on offense to put this one away.

Tennessee Titans @ Carolina Panthers: Carolina Panthers

Man, I don’t know about this one. I’m only picking the Panthers because I really, really believe in Christian McCaffrey, and I don’t know that the Tennessee Titans have the firepower, or the “smoke” to beat up the Panthers the way that the 49ers did.

Washington Redskins @ Buffalo Bills: Buffalo Bills

Please. The secret to the Bills making the playoffs was never some kind of metamorphosis from Josh Allen. It was always good defense, a respectable run game, and a weak schedule. The Redskins are a bad, bad, dysfunctional team, and the Bills should get back in the W column this weekend.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers @ Seattle Seahawks: Seattle Seahawks

Puh-lease. Jameis Winston in Seattle? Next.

Detroit Lions @ Oakland Raiders: Detroit Lions

I wanted to take the Oakland Raiders. I really, really did. But I have my doubts about this defense’s ability to do just about anything. Is there anyone on Oakland’s defense as talented as Darius Slay? I don’t doubt Oakland’s ability to move the ball and put up points, but can they do enough to combat Detroit’s passing attack?

If you look closer at Detroit’s losses, it’s not like they’re getting blown out. They’re winning close games against good teams, often with some help from the refs.

Green Bay Packers @ Los Angeles Chargers: Green Bay Packers

The L.A. Chargers were able to squeeze out a win versus the Chicago Bears last weekend, but that’s because they were playing the only team more dysfunctional than they are. The Green Bay Packers might be the NFL’s hottest team, and I don’t anticipate the Chargers being able to slow them down.

Cleveland Browns @ Denver Broncos: Cleveland Browns

This is an iffy pick. I’m not sure this is the right call, because while I think the Denver Broncos are a disaster, and they won’t even have Joe Flacco this week, the Browns are unpredictable. However, this is a game between two poorly coached squads, and in any similar circumstance, I’d go with the more talented team. That’s what I’m doing here.

New England Patriots @ Baltimore Ravens: Baltimore Ravens

Yeah, I did the stupid thing.

You know, the stupid thing that everyone does, every year? Where we say, “the Patriots aren’t that good” and “if they didn’t play in the AFC East, they wouldn’t be undefeated.” But… both of those things are true.

The Patriots defense isn’t as good as performances against bad teams would have you believing, and it’s not like Tom Brady’s even in the MVP conversation this season. The GOAT has looked… well… human at points this season, and obviously this Raven defense isn’t what it once was, but their offense is more explosive than ever.

I’ll probably regret this one. The Pats will probably make the Ravens look silly, and then my friends who use the word “we” when describing Brady’s boys will get reallllllly smug in my mentions.

Dallas Cowboys @ New York Giants: Dallas Cowboys

Even though they weren’t able to steal Jamal Adams before the trade deadline, the Dallas Cowboys have momentum and are significantly better than Daniel Jones’ New York Giants.

Another week, another thinly veiled dig at my friends for giving me grief about not liking Jones.

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